Jerry Springer kingdom hearts style
by Choco-gal
Summary: Just as the title says. Based off riku. Guest starts ff7 peoples, fangirls, 2 weird people AND THE UNLOVABLE/LOVABLE BOY SORA! more details inside. R/R!!
1. Barf dip,razors and false advertisement

JERRY SPRINGER KINGDOM HEARTS STYLE!  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JERRY SPRINGER, OR A RAZOR FOR SHAVING, ALCOHOL, And A BOUNCER NAMED DAVID Griesemer.  
  
Warning: any unauthorized copying of this script will result in us hunting you down and taking your left shoe!  
  
Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!  
  
Jerry jumps out of a box in the audience wearing a nacho hat and drooling like a werewolf. He searches around for a victim. He jumps into the first row of the audience and grabs an innocent human being wearing an orange jacket. He shakes him viciously and he dies.  
  
Kyle: OH MY GOD YOU KILLED KENNY! YOU (Censored)  
  
Cartmen: oh mister snack man can I have some cheesy poufs?  
  
Stan: Lets get him!  
  
The audience all jump out of their seats and rampage jerry. Cartman jumps on his shoulders and starts to eat his hat. A young girl named Holly jumps onto a person who she thought was jerry and cuts him with her razor. She jumps off him realizing it's not Jerry but A BIG-BOUNCER-GUY-NAMED- DAVID.... Griesemer.  
  
Holly: UH OH . IS this the time to run?  
  
The audience and the talking camera: YIP  
  
Holly (runs away the bouncer following her): I'll be back!  
  
*****************5 minutes later*******************  
  
Half the audience is gone but jerry goes to the stage. He straightens what little nacho hat he has left.  
  
Jerry: Okay today we are here to find out who this fifteen-year-old's parent really is. We took local characters out of the game kingdom hearts that have the same color hair he has. You'll find out soon enough. But first we will review our interview with Maleificent. Here it is. *Everyone applauds*  
  
Maleificent: Oh I hope that it's Ansem. I'm basically *AM* Riku's true mother. And one time me and Ansem went out and you know it turned out kind of kinky- oh you want me to read the cue card? Oh okay. Ummm (puts on reading glasses) Why should any of those (censored) be his father? They don't deserve him! I deserve him. He's like a son to me; I only want the best for him.  
  
Riku (in the background): I highly doubt that  
  
~End of clip~  
  
Jerry: WHAT A (censored). Erm, I mean-  
  
Talking camera (edging away from Cartman): *SWEAT DROP* Help me  
  
Jerry: HAHAHA SHUT UP TALKING CAMERA  
  
T.C: YOU'RE ALL BIG MEANIE HEADS! (Rolls away)  
  
Jerry: Anyways lets bring out our guest. Let's give a big round of sound for. RIKU *he.doesn't.have.a.last.name.how.weird *  
  
Fan girls (holding a big Riku sign saying "Take off you're shirt"): TAKE OFF YOU'RE SHIRT!  
  
Jerry: Let's bring out his guardian MALEIFICENT!  
  
Maleificent (comes out wearing prostitute clothing smoking a cigarette on one of those long cigarette holders): You little mongrels! PUT DOWN THOSE SIGNS! (She waves her hand and.)  
  
Fan girls: O__________________O * ..::Explode::..*  
  
Jerry: HAHA thank-you  
  
Maleificent (has scratchy frog throat): No problem, babe (blows a kiss to him and he shudders)  
  
Jerry: We have two very special guests that have-nothing-to-do-with-todays- show-only-the-author-is-doing-this-to-get-some-laughs. CLOUD AND TIFA! So cloud you're going out with Tifa? What happened to Aeries?  
  
Cloud (wearing baggy gangster clothes and a upside down, backwards visor): Hey yo I hate that biatch!  
  
Tifa: Yeah Cloud loves me and that biatch ain't got anything on her torso!  
  
Cloud: Tifa I think that we should waste these two.....  
  
Tifa: Cloud if we do that we would go to jail wouldn't we??? Wait a minute we're gangsters we don't care just like I don't care that Aries is dead.....I think its funny don't you, cloud? *Tifa starts laughing very hard*  
  
Cloud: I used to love her, Tifa *thinks back to when they dated and gets tears in eyes* But then I started dating you and Aries is nothing compared to you.... Anyway back to wasting these people....  
  
Cloud: Who should be wasted first Riku or Mila???  
  
Tifa: I choose Riku....*gets taken down by bouncer*  
  
Cloud: AAAAAHHHHH.....*Also taken down by bouncer*  
  
Jerry: O-kay anyways. Our two people who we have chosen to be compatible for being Riku's fathers are: ANSEM! The almighty darkness lecturer that secretly likes Barbies and his hair is naturally white!  
  
Ansem comes and sits down next to Maleificent, puts an arm around her and starts frenching her. The audience moans in disgust and one audience member throws up in the top of Jerry's nacho hat where the nacho dip is. Jerry starts laughing, braking off a bit of his hat and sticking it in the barf/nacho dip and he eats it.  
  
Jerry (ponders): mm, tastes like vegetable soup. Anyways here is the torture- er, I mean verbal test we gave to Ansem to see if he's Riku's father.  
  
END!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
What ya people think? Review to let me know. Flames will be fed to the crazy killer monkey in my closet. Hey! I got to feed him something.. Next chapter will have the terks YEAH! REVIEW PLEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEE!!! I'll give you nacho dip. Don't worry it doesn't have throw-up in it. Oh yeah credits also go to my friend David for helping me with this ficcie. 


	2. hair licking cow and a tazer

~JERRY SPRINGER KINGDOM HEARTS STYLE~  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Really really useless infomercial~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Narrator: have you ever wanted to listen to music while combing your hair??? Not wanting to take cords along with you???? Well then do we have a deal for, you. Get this cool comb with built in radio and c.d. player for 4 easy payments of 8,572 dollars. But wait there's more. Turn to the genre you want and the comb automatically does your hair... country... Messy braids. Punk...messy spikes.........rap short and normal...boyish bands...little pigtails?  
  
Lady with messy hair reading of cue cards: Well before I got the auto comb -354352345 my hair was smooth and sleek and pretty. BUT NOW! It's exciting. I lost my friends and joined the geek club my life just hasn't the same. THANK YOU auto comb -354352345!  
  
Narrator: To get your Auto comb-354352345 just call this number (says really fast) 1-800-1-34134-2151235-23654316-1461361-614431564-1346-6-comb again that number is 1-800-1-34134-2151235-23654316-1461361-614431564- 1346-6-comb. Call now.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of useless infomercial~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Jerry (wearing yodeling clothes): yodel, yodel, yodel lay he who! And we're back. We were with Tifa and Cloud but David took care of them (nods in David's direction) David (he nods back). Anyways here is Ansem's Test..  
  
~Test with the Terks~ (Elena, Reno, Tseng)  
  
Elena: ok Ansem, why should you be the father of Riku??  
  
Ansem: well, I'm totally evil. And I did take over the boy once  
  
Elena: Now ansem why did you take him over?  
  
Ansem: Well I'm totally evil so I do have the right and I did take over the boy, Because he wasn't afraid of darkness just like I wasn't when I was a little fifteen-year-old-weirdo. And, and oh, oh he has my hair. But that (censored) Jerry told everyone it is naturally white. But remember I dated maleificent and she's like his mother.  
  
Elena: OOKKKK then....  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
David: Now Cloud what do you have to say for your self???  
  
Cloud: Well, can I just tell you that it wasn't my fault, if Aries wouldn't have ran off and gotten killed by Sephiroth then me and Tifa wouldn't have hooked up and I'd never have become a gangster.  
  
Tifa: you (censored)! I thought you hated her! You told me that you did! I thought we had something special going on here! *Stands up* you "said you loved me!" *Starts crying and slaps cloud*.  
  
Riku *starts laughing*  
  
Cloud: Well, I lied! *Stands up but is rushed to the ground by the bouncer**cloud now yelling* you biatch! you aren't supposed to even be alive! I told Barret and Cid to kill you and your gangster wannabe ass!  
  
Jerry: Well, now we have a show within a show folks. Who is my real father just because the author and me think Riku is Ansem's and or Sephiroth's their son because they have the same hair color? (Takes deep breath) a--------nd Gangster wannabe's are being like mobs?  
  
Audience: YAY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!  
  
Jerry*laughs then takes another part off of his hat and dips it into barf/nacho dip*: Mm. now back to Elena and the terks with Ansem.  
  
Elena: Why are you so mad about Riku's hair?  
  
Ansem: I don't see why we even have to do this. Everyone knows that I'm going to be picked to be the boy's father not some loser like Sephiroth-  
  
Elena: *bring* *bring* Hold that thought. (She took out her cell phone and it was the 17-year-old Selphie) Oh my god he didn't? He did? *Screams* What? Oh yeah I always thought Tidus was you know kind of cute *starts playing with Ansem's hair * Hold on a sec.. Yeah like Ansem?  
  
Ansem: WHAT?!  
  
Elena: How'd you get these weird spikes? Did a cow lick your head or something?  
  
Ansem: NO!  
  
Elena: Oh my god shut up. You're lying. He asked you. Oh my god. like oh my god- Hey give me my cell phone back!  
  
Ansem: Yeah whoever this is? YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER AND THIS BLONDE (censored) HATES YOU! *Crushes phone*  
  
Elena: Hey that phone only had one more payment on it! I could've bought Auto comb-354352345 with the money left over but now I have to pay the whole amount you Jack(censored)  
  
Ansem: heh-heh-heh yes let the darkness of hatred consume your heart.  
  
Elena: hey you know you like are a loser I heard before you beat that little kid up that you said darkness 17 times in like five minutes *puts her finger and her thumb to her forehead in the shape on and L * LOSER! *Does it with her other hand * LONER! Want to be a wo-man don't have the looks so talk to the hand.  
  
Ansem: FINISH THE TEST. (Takes her hand, squeezes it and brings it to his mouth) NOW! (Let's go) ((A/N: okay, okay I don't own Terminator 3 either. I just had to do that))  
  
Elena: owie! How Rude!  
  
Rude *appears with a gun pointing at her*: WHO SAID MY NAME?! WHO?!  
  
Elena *rolls her eyes*: yeah like whatever! Take a chill pill baldy I used it in an expression I didn't say your name. Yeesh  
  
Rude: oh leaves  
  
Elena: Reno and Tseng will be back to tort- err like test you and some junk so like you know whatever ((a/n: I did it again I'm sorry I don't own the Simpson's either)) (She leaves)  
  
Reno and Tseng come in and Reno shocks him with his tazer thingy he laughs retardedly and holds it there.  
  
Tseng: That'll do Reno.. I SAID THAT'LL DO! . STOP! *Smacks Reno*  
  
Reno (gets out of trance): Oh sorry.. Heh-heh  
  
Tseng: So. Ansem .  
  
Ansem temple twitching and hair is on fire: Y-yes?  
  
Tseng (takes a sip of coffee): So-o.  
  
Ansem: Y-es?  
  
Tseng (says really fast): WHERE-WERE-YOU-FORTH-OF-JULY-LAST-YEAR?  
  
Ansem: BLAH?  
  
Reno (tazers him): ANSWER!  
  
Ansem: Okay, okay I was in the mini golf court in the windmill making out with *gulp* URSELA!  
  
Reno: Oh.My.God! *Gags*  
  
Tseng: AND! Why do you think your Riku's father?  
  
Ansem: BECAUSE I HAVE HIS-  
  
Tseng: HAIR WELL SO DOES SEPHIROTH  
  
Ansem: BUT SEPHIROTH DOES'NT HAVE A HOO- I MEAN GIRLFRIEND!  
  
Tseng: But just like you it can be a prostitute. Like mmm, let's see. MALIEFICENT!  
  
Reno: DUDE! *Gags *  
  
Tseng: HOJO?  
  
The man with the big spectacles and long black hair with a white lab coat comes in holding a very large empty needle: IS IT TIME?  
  
Tseng: YES  
  
Hojo (laughs like egore): Heeehhhee *points needle at Ansem's arm*  
  
Ansem: MOMMY! (The camera goes blank and you hear sobs, yells, screams, swears, curses of the word darkness, and the annoying saying "submit"  
  
~End~  
  
Jerry Springer: Oh great now we got a show within a show within a show: Who is Riku's true father just because the author and me think Riku is Ansem's and or Sephiroth's their son because they have the same hair color? (Takes another deep breath) a--------nd Gangster wannabe's are being like mobs?? And my darkness silver haired lecturer lover cheated on me with the sea-monster Ursula? *Gasp * Oh great now I have to get more nacho hat and a sombrero, and a tango hat yeash. Anyways join us tomorrow when we get blood test results and we interview Sephiroth.  
  
Riku: can I ask a question?  
  
Jerry Springer: *laughs * No-  
  
Riku: how did I get he-  
  
Jerry Springer: I SAID NO!  
  
~END~  
  
Author: YAY ONE REVIEW IN ONE DAY! YAY! To my reviewer clouds darkyasha hmm thanks for the review very, very nice tee-hee anyways yes okay I'll do what you want with Tifa and I will read your fan fiction once it gets shown up oh and I'll review it. Thanks for your review. No food for the crazy killer monkey today. Reviews are appreciated thanks even flames because the monkey needs food and I'm tired of feeding him brains so I'll feed him flames if I get any. He likes flames so he'll appreciate it. C- Y'ALL LATER! REMEMBER TO ORDER YOUR AUTO COMB-354352345 AND OH YEAH. *sends nacho dip to clouds darkyasha * thanks again for your review appreciate it 


	3. A new bouncer and the hills on tifa's ch...

~Jerry Springer: kingdom hearts style~  
  
~CHAPTER 67! ERM I MEAN CHAPTER *counts on fingers * 3! ~  
  
Person: OH MY GOD! 4 auto combs -354352345 sold in 4 weeks what a record! Time to celebrate! *Opens bottle of wine and the cork goes into someone's eye*  
  
Person named someone: OUCH MY EYE! *Goes on a rampage and kills the 4 buyers of auto comb -354352345*  
  
Person: aw *puts back bottle of wine* well at least we got a new record for the fastest people dieing because of me hitting people in the eye with a cork. Oh well *starts eating out of Homer Simpson's trash. You know the guy that taught them how to save money and they went to the 33cent store then went to Japan? Yeah that's who the person is. *  
  
~Outside in a back alley behind the Jerry Springer studio~  
  
Riku: OH my god it's so stupid!  
  
Sora: what is?  
  
Riku (smacks Sora's head): THIS SHOW YOU IDIOT!  
  
Sora: Show?  
  
Riku: JERRY SPRINGER!  
  
Sora: JERRY SPRINGER! --- Oh --- MY EARS MY POOR, POOR EARS!  
  
Riku: isn't it virgin ears?  
  
Sora (shifty eyes): Yeah virgin . That's the one  
  
Riku (eyes him): okay  
  
Riku: Well anyways as I said this is stupid  
  
Sora: l____l what is?  
  
Riku: ...............Don't tell me you forgot  
  
Sora: forgot what?  
  
Riku (smacks his forehead): The Jerry Springer Show I'm on you know the " a show within a show within a show?  
  
Sora: l____l ???  
  
Riku (bangs head on wall then rubs his face, facing Sora): You know "Who is Riku's true father just because the author and me think Riku is Ansem's and or Sephiroth's their son because they have the same hair color? (Takes a deep breath just like Jerry) a--------nd Gangster wannabe's are being like mobs?? And my darkness silver haired lecturer lover cheated on me with the sea-monster Ursula?"  
  
Sora: OOOOOH THAT ONE! (Laughs) YOU LOOK SO FUNNY UP THERE WITH MALIEFICENT ALWAYS HUGGING YOU AND JUNK!  
  
Riku (crosses arms): SHUT UP! And it's stupid because it's so obvious that my father is- (notices camera men and makes them go away by doing things) That's better what was I saying?  
  
Sora: I don't know. why are you out here?  
  
Riku: I'm waiting for maleficent to finish her job and I'm hiding from fan girls and Holly  
  
Sora: Why Holly? She hates your guts  
  
Riku: oh you're just jealous because she likes you- wait how does that work? Anyway I'm running from her because that's just it she hates me so much she wants me dead  
  
Sora: oh (begins laughing)  
  
Riku: what's so funny?  
  
Sora: because everyone likes you and hates me- wait how does that work?  
  
Riku: I don't know hmmm.  
  
The rest of the fan girls (that didn't get killed by maleificent ran passed and stopped in front of the alley)  
  
Fan girl #1: OH MY GOD LIKE THERE HE IS!  
  
Holly: LET'S GET HIM! (Has a whip and cracks it you know like you whip it and it makes a cracking noise)  
  
Fan girl #37: CAN I HAVE YOUR A-  
  
Sora: Autograph? (Laughs)  
  
Fan girl #36 (looks at Sora confused): Yeah like that girly looking midget that I hate so much said  
  
Riku (becomes nervous): .::Sweat drop::. Uh sure (begins signing)  
  
Maleificent (walks by and has a scratchy frog voice): OH HUNNY BUNNY! - Hey I thought I killed you all  
  
Riku (mouthed): Help me mommy!  
  
Maleificent (turns into a dragon and pukes the fiery green stuff on them all Turing the Fan girls to ash besides Holly she ran away crying cause Maleifiecent took her job away)  
  
~Backstage where Tifa and Cloud are fighting~ (this part isn't censored)  
  
Tifa: *slowly getting up from Cloud's punch* what is this???? Why cloud??? WWWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????  
  
*Shots being fired* A fan that looks like Tifa falls to the ground covered with holes  
  
Tifa: What the fuck! Someone is trying to wack me!!!! *Barret emerges*  
  
Barret: Fuahahahahaha...I've done it!!!!! I've killed that gangster wannabe...  
  
Rude: WHO KILLED WHO?! IT'S MY JOB TO KILL THE PUNKS! Oh huh? OH HI! BYE! *RUNS AWAY *  
  
Tifa: Why you little.... I mean big I mean whatever*runs and kicks Barret in undisclosed area but I think we all know where* Take that!  
  
Barret: *tears in eyes* why...how???? I killed you.How is this possible??? *Begins crying and runs out yelling for his mommy*  
  
*Hiding in a secret location (sitting in a chair behind Tifa) cid laughs*  
  
Cid: Buhahahahahaha...*stands up and taps Tifa on shoulder* Hey, missed me?  
  
Tifa: huh *turns and kicks him in the same place she kicked Barret*  
  
Cid: Buhahahahaha...stupid bitchy girl I wore a fucking cup...*thinking to himself.... see Barret I told you that you should have worn one too but nnnoooo I'm too good for that he says I'll wack her and leave he says* humph...stupid Barret  
  
Tifa: *Sees harpoons in Cid's hands* what do you expect to do with that???? *Tifa pulls 9mm* Hahahahah no match!  
  
Cid: This *throws harpoons at Tifa and laughs a lot* Buahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahaha  
  
Tifa: humph you missed...*feels weird and looks down* nnnooooooo...I'm melting...You hit me in the hills on my chest! My weak spot...I'mmm mmmmmmeeeellllllltttttttinnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg  
  
Cid: see what I did.Now your gonna go and see Aeries and I hope she kicks your fucking stupid bitch ass!  
  
Cloud (laughs): That's our Cid!  
  
Cid: Shut the Fucking hell up Blondie  
  
Cloud: meep  
  
~Back alley~  
  
Maleificent (sticks her fang into Riku's arm and take some blood): heh  
  
Riku (pulls his arm away): WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? ARE YOU DRUNK!?  
  
Maleificent (sucks on her tongue): AB+. Okay time to go inform Jerry. Good- bye Sora dear  
  
Sora: l___l So-ra? Who's Sora?...uh I like pie (Runs off)  
  
~Studio~  
  
Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!  
  
Jerry Springer (glides down from the ceiling wearing all black hanging from a rope. He unclips himself and he falls on the ground): oomph (Gets up) Good news everyone we only have a show within a show folks TIFA DIED!  
  
The Audience (boos): Awwwwwww (but one person yells yay)  
  
clouds darkyasha: YAY! VICTORY IS MINE! BUT MY FLOOR IS DIRTY! OH WELL! THE BITCH IS DEAD! *Starts singing wizard of oz* DING DONG THE WITCH IT DEAD!  
  
Cloud (high-pitched voice): Which o' Witch?  
  
Cid: The Fu(censored) Wicked witch  
  
clouds darkyasha: DING DOND THE FU(censored) WHICKED WITCH IS DEAD! HIGH HO THAT'S WHAT SHE IS ERM I MEAN HIGH HO THE DAIRY OH SING IT HIGH SING IT LOW. DING DONG THE WHICKED WITCH IS DEAD! HIGH HO THE DAIRY OH SING IT HIGH A DOCEY DOW! (Stops singing) huh? Hehe .::sweat drop::.. HI EVERYBODY!  
  
Audience (claps and laughs): HI DOCTOR darkyasha! (Sits back down)  
  
Jerry: Any who we just got the blood test results from Ansem and Riku but we won't tell you till the end of the story. Hey Author?  
  
Author: YEAH?  
  
Jerry: HOW MANY CHAPTERS ARE THERE GOING TO BE?  
  
Author: I DON'T KNOW AS MUCH AS IT TAKES. IT DEPENDS ON HOW MANY HATS YOU HAVE. HOW MUCH MY CRAZY KILLER MONKEY CAN LIVE OFF BRAINS.HOW MANY FAN GIRLS MALEIFICENT KILLS! By the way thank ya for doing that.. HOW MANY SHOWS WITHIN A SHOW YOU GET. Need I say more?  
  
Jerry: NO, no we're cool we're cool  
  
Author: All right then  
  
Jerry: Okay here is Sephiroth come on out!  
  
Sephiroth (comes out and Cloud and him start fighting): YEAH WELL YOU'RE A MAN WHORE!  
  
Cloud: Yeah well you're a child molester! You and your sin harvest  
  
Sephiroth: I'm not the one that keeps going "hiya, hiya" and running after a kid really fast! YOU CHICKEN LICKER!  
  
Audience: *GASP *  
  
Steve the Bouncer (comes out and shoves them back into their own seats): SETTLE DOWN!  
  
David (comes out too): WHO THE (censored) ARE YOU!? I'LL KILL YOU!  
  
Steve: LIKE HELL YOU WILL!  
  
David: WATCH ME! I'LL GIVE YOU THE BROKEN FACE! (He punched him hard in the head a lot of times and he dies) ha-ha-ha one for David zero for Steve the bouncer.. La de da!  
  
Jerry Springer: since this took a while to type we'll show you Sephiroth's interview tomorrow. Good night Folks! (Leaves)  
  
Audience member 67: WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!  
  
Audience member 45: HMMM, the censoring guy must have left. he-he-he FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! A DUCK SCREW A KANGAROO FINGER ARANGAPANGATANG SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL ZOO!  
  
Cid: Oh my god you, you are my new friend. come with me my son (leaves with audience member 45)  
  
~END~  
  
Author: yeah I think that's long anyways I got really lazy so I didn't put Sephiroth's interview. But Yes Clouds darkyasha I killed Tifa. hope it was random enough laugh out loud. Thanks for you're reviews. like your stories tis they are phoony 


End file.
